JAG Meets 'Allo 'Allo
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: SUMMARY: the JAG staff get a new exchange officer assigned to them. He's gonna rock their nice cozy office down to the foundations. ONE SHOT
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: JAG Meets 'Allo 'Allo

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

TIMELINE: AU Season 10 (Loren's alive)

CATEGORY: humor (hopefully)

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV shows JAG and 'Allo 'Allo are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: while browsing youtube for Allo Allo episodes I finally came to the one where to my greatest regret they cut off Captain Hans Geering and Maria and put in new characters. But still, the new members of the cast were still hillarious, especially the new liaison to the Germans. As typical for 'Allo 'Allo I laughed all the way through without stopping. Seeing the newcomer being introduced gave me an idea and here's the result. Loren is alive in this fic because I needed someone to speak Oberst von Strohm's and Renee's lines. You'll see what I mean cause they were as if written especially for her. Most of the spoken lines are from that ep of the show and are understroked.

If anyone's interested in watching the episode go to Youtube. com and type in " 'Allo 'Allo! Season4 Ep3 - Good Staff Are Hard To Find". There are 3 parts in all, so when finished watching the first part, go to the box on the right with the related videos and choose the next part.

SUMMARY: the JAG staff get a new exchange officer assigned to them. He's gonna rock their nice cozy office down to the foundations.

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"Atten-hut!" the yell of the Master at Arms echoed through the bullpen, making everyone snap to.

"Good." General Cresswell nodded approvingly. "I would like to present a new temporary member of our staff, he's on loan from the Italian Army as part of an exchange program. This is why LtCol MacKenzie was sent there, as our representative, 3 days ago."

"No wonder it's been so quiet these past few days." Sturgis whispered to Bud, glancing at Loren. It was a well known fact that Mac and Loren didn't get along, especially the last few years since...

His musings were interrupted by the General as he meaningfully cleared his throat.

"I expect you all to make him feel welcome. Master at Arms, bring in Captain Bertorelli."

The double door of the bullpen swooshed open revealing a short man with a thick mustache, quite obviously an Italian, a chest full of medals, a wide-rimmed hat with a... a... a _something_on top of it.

"Why does he have a dead chicken on his head?" whispered Petty Officer Tomlins to Petty Officer Gaines, who just shrugged in confusion.

With a confident gesture he pushed that something away from his face and smiled widely, walking into the bullpen with an arrogant gait of a man who never lacked for female attention.

He stopped when his eyes alighted on Jen and undid the strap of his hat, exclaiming aloud "Mamma mia!" and took it off, holding it in one hand. "A beautiful laidy."

His pronounciation of 'beautiful' reminded everyone very much of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. And he pronounced lady as 'laidy' and not 'leidy'.

Grabbing Jen's hand he proclaimed "I kissa your handa." and pressed a loud smooch to the top of a very uncomfortable Jen's hand.

Cresswell saw it was time to interfere. With a matter of fact tone the JAG explained. "Captain Bertorelli. Officers in the US Navy do not kiss the lady privates."

The Captain immediately let go of Jen's hand with a shocked look on his face and smacked himself on his forehead. "What a mistaka to maka!"

Then his mouth again stretched in a smile. "Generallo, pleasa forgive me, but I am an Italian, when I see the beautiful laidy my heart go bum-didi-bum..." nearing his face to Loren's, his new victim's, who glared at him, not that it had any kind of effect on him, he finished."...didi-bum."

The General discretely looked heavenward in exasperation. "Well, your heart will have to stop go bum-didi-bum around the Lieutenant Commander otherwise the laidy's husband will make it stop permanently." he turned towards Harm. "Captain Bertorelli, this is CDR Harmon Rabb, LCDR Loren Rabb's husband."

"My excuses, Capitanos" the jolly man exclaimed and, even though he'd nearly accosted Loren and had in fact accosted Jen, a dear friend and protegee of Harm's, Harm couldn't hold it against him. He was just too funny, besides, flattening his nose would not be a good idea to do in front of the General.

The General turned to Bud. "This is your mentor, Lieutenant Commander Roberts."

Alberto held his arms apart and with a friendly smile greeted. "Capitano,you have a kinda face. To you, I giva salute!"

He snapped his right hand to his forehead and, when Bud did the same, the Captain quickly straightened out his arms and hooked it behind Bud's neck. With that he drew Bud to him and gave a loud kiss on both of Bud's cheeks.

Bud staggered back, blushing and stuttering in shock.

Alberto meanwhile looked around with a happy sigh. "Ah, is a beautiful placa you have here, I think I be very happy."

Then he plopped his hat down on the nearest desk and asked. "These are my desk?"

Bud burst out indignantly. "No, these are my desk!"

Then, in a theatric motion, the Captain snapped his fingers. "I forget. Capitano, I havea for you, a special gifta from Berlusconi."

He pulled out a long and wide case, opened it and passed it on to Harm. "Is the Italian war hero medal."

Harm took it politely and looked at it carefully, commenting. "Ah. An Italian war hero medal. I don't think I've seen this before."

"I think they're very rare." muttered Loren to Harm and Harm barely suppressed a snicker. Though Loren had mellowed quite a lot in the years they'd been together, she still had quite an acidic tongue when someone got on her nerves.

"You too have many medals." the General said, gesturing to the Italian's chest-full-of-medals.

"Me." the man said, striking a pompous pose, but spoke humbly. "I am hero."

He pointed to the upper row of medals. "These here for service in Kuwait." Then to the middle row. "These here for service in Bosnia."

The General gestured towards the lowest row. "And the bottom one?"

Bertorelli's jaw tightened and he glared into the distance. "They are for servicing FIATs."

Several guffaws were heard throughout the room and many of the staff had faces red from holding in their laughter. Few knew it, but FIATs have a very notorious reputation in Europe for being unreliable and cheap, if not inexpensive. Italian cars in general have that reputation, actually, especially the high-end marques, like Alfa Romeo, Lancia, Ferrari,... FIAT could also be understood as 'Fixing It All the Time'.

Italian car manufacturers are miracle makers at designing beatiful cars, but as far as the quality and reliability of car electricity, electronics and engines go, they suck.

In an effort to divert the subject the General interfered. "The Italian Army is sending a unit to Iraq."

Loren leaned nearer to whisper to her husband. "Well, I suppose somebody has to take over the ice-cream business."

Harm snorted quietly and blankened his face when he caught the General watching them.

"They want Captain Bertorelli to first familiarize himself with the procedures and Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) and Rules Of Engagement (ROE) so there won't be any problems while in-country. LCDR Roberts, see to it that the Captain has everything he needs. Dismissed."

The General strode away and, as the junior staff flocked towards the italian Captain, Harm remarked to Loren. "I have a feeling that things around here are gonna be extremely funny for the next few months."

Grinning she looked up at him. "Indeed."

THE END

No, it wasn't a mistake in Grammar. Bertorelli really spoke like that. The sentences with some words not understroked are that way because I had to adapt the text slightly, but I still tried to keep the meaning of the original text. Also, in the show it's General von Klinkerhoffen that receives the italian medal, but because Cresswell hasn't done anything in decades that would earn him that I gave it to Harm for his exploits in Iraq and Afghanistan (let's pretend that perhaps the Italians had their people on USS Seahawk or their own ships nearby when Harm diverted the dirty nuke).

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	2. Mac's 'Allo 'Allostyle Proposal

This is a modified version of Flick's proposal to Helga from the same ep of 'Allo 'Allo (last part of the ep on youtube). When I watched the proposal I was struck with just how similar Mac was to Helga by being turned on by things involving the secret agencies.

If some are angered/disturbed/offended by the presumed comparison of the Agency to the Gestapo, I would just like to remember you that the Agency was established and organized after Gestapo's role-model and that former Gestapo agents trained the new recruits for a long time, and Gestapo techniques, tools and everything else was used by the Agency and other Western intelligence agencies.

Again, the understroked sentences are not mine, they were written by the writers of 'Allo 'Allo.

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**Les:** yes, the show would've been much better.

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Thanks for the reviews, please keep them up!

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MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE IN ITALY

While the Italian liaison officer was being introduced to the HQ gang, Clayton Webb had dropped in by his girlfriend's temporary quarters and taken her out for dinner.

He'd selected a small family restaurant, with red-white checkered table-cloths, and located in a small town near the sea.

They'd just been served wine by the owner as Webb prepared to dive into the reason they'd come there, when he noticed the owner lingering to open the bottle for them.

Webb glared at the old Italian man. "Go away." Then he grabbed the bottle and got started on getting it open.

The man, knowing a CIA agent when seeing one, scurried away.

Mac, breathless, admitted. "When you speak in such a dominating fashion I go weak at the knees."

He shrugged, covertly leering at a passing young Italian woman. "This is normal." he replied to Mac. "Sarah, I wish you to know that this is a very special occasion. I have decided to marry you."

Mac was speechless.

Having finally opened the wine he poured them glasses and raised his in a toast. "Sarah, may we be blessed with many little recruits of the Agency."

She raised the glass and touched it to his, hesitantly. She wasn't sure about being tied down and to only one man at that. She'd always liked keeping her options open, never committing, whenever she was in a relationship. But, unlike before with Brumby, Harm himself was now married and thus out of the equation. He was no longer a possible safe bet, the second choice and she knew that if she accepted this proposal she would have to, for the first time in her life, commit herself fully to a man, with no man on the side. Webb would not allow her side-entertainment.

While this was going through her mind Webb had been taking first bites of his meal. After a minute he raised his head and declared.

"I have been giving much thought to the arrangements for our wedding."

That frankly astounded her and she tried to avoid the inevitable conclusion. "Clay, are you quite sure that deep in your heart, where-ever that is, you are ready for marriage?"

He frowned. "What are you saying?"

She looked down in her lap, trying to cover indecisiveness by pretending to be coy. "Well, you are so young, so attractive. Women are always throwing themselves at you."

He smirked arrogantly. "This is true."

"I will be consummed with jealousy." she threatened. "I will be breaking the plates when I do the washing up."

But Webb would not be swayed. He had his own solution to Mac's threat. "If you did you would be punished."

Mac blushed fiercely at the prospect.

A far away look entered the agent's eyes as he explained his ideas to her. "We will be married in a high-security Agency chapel. As we leave the ceremony we will walk through an arch of rubber trunchens held by my Agency colleagues in jackboots. We will leave in a black Agency limousine, showered with propaganda pamphlets. We will honeymoon in the Virginian forests. Every morning we will leave our camouflage tent, strip naked and dive into the icy waters of a limpid, dark lake."

Mac was definitely enthusiastic about all the Agency elements to it, this part was after all the thing that had always turned her on and was also the only reason why she was with this man. But the skinny-dipping in a icy lake... "Could I have time to think about it?"

"No."

"Oh." shivers ran down her spine at his commanding tone and her knees would've given out had she been standing. Her panties were getting wet. Now she remembered why she'd said 'yes' to Brumby, why she'd slept with Farrow (well, apart from getting that recommendation to Law School and promotion) and why she'd slept with Lowne. She like it when men took over control of her life and she didn't have to think for herself, to make her own decisions.

It was why she loved the Corps. The strict regulations on how to live, what to do, the orders she was being given gave structure to her life and took away her need to think. Others did that for her by giving her orders.

It was why she would've never given them up for Harm. Harm was the opposite of every man she'd ever been involved with. He was not a comandering type, he was not a control freak, he never ordered her around, especially not in her private life, he always respected her decisions and never tried to browbeat her into changing them. While Harm HAD given up his career for her she knew she wouldn't done that for him.

Had HARM been the one captured in Paraguay (and deep down she knew that would never have happened since Harm did have the training and experience in covert ops, something she lacked completely, only having her basic training from 10+ years ago; and would thus never make any of the numerous rookie mistakes she'd made down there) she knew she would've aquiesced to the Admiral's order had he not let her go after Harm and would not even think of resigning to go to Paraguay.

Mac's desire for a man who would give her in her private life the structure and guidelines she had at work would never have let her be happy with Harm and would've had the relationship fail had they ever gotten together.

But Mac was lucky. She had found herself just the kind of man she needed.

She locked eyes with him and said only one word.

THE END

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